Rimmer's Nightmare
by turbomagnus
Summary: There's an alternate reality for nearly every possibility, even an unquarantined animal aboard ship getting pinned on Rimmer... Featuring Series One Kochanski!


Disclaimer: Red Dwarf is the creation and property of Grant Naylor and the BBC, used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

You can call off the Inland Revenue Trans-light Collection Fighters now, you know.

* * *

-o0O0o-

"Rimmer's Nightmare"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

* * *

Hollister grimaced, "Ugh... Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfit eighteen months wages?"

"No," Technician Third Class David Lister answered.

Captain Frank Hollister asked again, "Do you want to hand over that cat?"

"No..."

"Choose..." Hollister demanded.

-o0o-

* * *

In another world, Lister would rather face stasis than surrender the cat, but this isn't that world. For that matter, this isn't the world where Navigation Officer, First Class, Kristine Kochanski hid the cat known as Frankenstein and took the blame and punishment for smuggling an unquarantined animal onboard the ship. But since Lister is the one standing opposite Captain Hollister, you already knew that one, didn't you?

"I told you, Captain, sir, that I do respect you and all..." Lister shook his head, "Can't we, I don't know, work out a deal?"

"What deal could you possibly..." Hollister spread his hands in emphasis, "think would let you get away with having an unquarantined animal on board the ship?"

"Simple, Captain..." Lister smirked, if the Captain was asking that, it meant he was open to hearing the idea at least, "We blame it on Rimmer."

Hollister looked at Lister and frowned before he spoke, "Holly, have Todhunter report to my office immediately."

"Aye aye, Captain Hollister," the digital head appeared on one of the screens in the Captain's office before vanishing.

"I wish he wouldn't do that," Hollister muttered under his breath.

"Makes you wonder what he's really paying attention to, don't it?" Lister agreed.

"I find it's better if I don't, Lister. It gives me plausible deniability," Hollister admitted.

"Whatever, I still think I'm going to start throwing towels over mirrors and screens in my cabin, just in case."

Hollister looked from Lister to the monitor that Holly had just left before nodding, "That makes two of us."

-o0o-

* * *

"Reporting as ordered, Captain," Todhunter remarked as he entered the office, glancing over at Lister.

Hollister leaned forward and put his elbows on the table, "Todhunter, given the choice, who would you rather have in stasis for the rest of the trip; Rimmer or Lister, here?"

Todhunter thought for a moment, "Lister does have over two hundred complaints filed against him... but they're all by Rimmer. Well, except for that one from Catering Officer Petersen about the vindaloo theft, but that was never proven. Lister's biggest problem is his casual disregard of proper respect for ranking officers... though since Rimmer is his immediate superior, we can't really blame him for that, either."

"And Rimmer?"

"As Lister has so accurately put it, sir, he's a smeghead. His disrespect of superior officers doesn't have the wacky and fun feel of Lister's, he's taken and failed the Navigation Officer's exam ten times..."

"I thought it was nine," Hollister interrupted.

"Ten, sir," Todhunter repeated, "He sat today's exam and failed it. He couldn't even cheat properly, sir - from the ink-stains on his arms, he wrote the answers on his own body, then sweated so much that the ink ran, whereupon he had a breakdown, covered his hand in ink, slapped it on the paper, signed said paper... then did that ridiculous salute of his and fainted."

"Well, at least he didn't think he was a fish this time," Lister remarked off-handedly.

"Not now, Lister," Hollister chided the Technician.

"He has a point, sir," Todhunter pointed out, "Not only has Rimmer failed the Astronavigation Exam ten times, but his breakdowns are quickly becoming something of legend not just aboard ship but they're also starting to become known in the Space Corps proper - something that, if you'll forgive my saying, sir, could give _Red Dwarf_ a negative reputation... and you as well, sir."

That gave Hollister pause. He had worked hard for the reputation he now had, managed to get the credit when things had gone well and cover up some things that he'd rather not be known. For someone else to ruin that reputation... It made the decision easy.

"Todhunter, Rimmer is guilty of having an unquarantined animal aboard ship. Summary sentence, eighteen months in stasis with loss of pay and in-service time. Don't bother waiting for him to be released, just pick him up from the infirmary and take him to the stasis booths."

"Yes, sir!" Todhunter easily saluted - normally, one might note - and turned towards the door, "Pity we couldn't find the animal itself, itsn't it."

"Oh, yes, sir - great pity," Lister chimed in with a smirk.

Hollister rolled his eyes, "Dismissed, both of you. Now get out of my office."

"Yes, sah, Captain!" Lister quickly followed Todhunter out of the room, pausing by the Navigation Officer's station.

"Well, then, I guess you weren't promoted," Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski teased when Lister stopped by her station on his way out of the Drive Room.

"Nope, but I also wasn't spaced, so it's still a good day," Lister leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, then straightened up, "See you tonight?"

"Can't wait."

-o0o-

* * *

Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel _Red Dwarf  
_Arriving in Earth orbit...  
Eighteen Months Later.

Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer fell face forward and smashed said face against the deck plates when the door to the stasis chamber opened and the stasis field shut off. Rimmer pushed himself to his feet and covered his nose to make sure it hadn't broken.

"What happened to the Teaching Room?" Rimmer demanded, "Holly, where am I?"

The ship's fourth-generation hologrammatic AI appeared on a nearby screen, "Please remain where you are, Arnold, an officer will be along shortly for your debriefing."

"Remain where I am? Where's here?" Rimmer whined.

"You've just come out of stasis, Arnold, you're probably disoriented. Just stay there and remain calm," Holly drolly answered.

"Why was I in stasis?" Rimmer paused and looked around, "Holly... how long was I in stasis?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait for an officer to answer any further questions, Arnold," Holly replied, "Standard procedure, really."

"Holly!" There came no answer, so Rimmer repeated, "Holly... Blast!"

The Second Technician punched the wall in frustration, then, realising what he had done when the nerves in his hand began sending messages to his brain, began cradling his hand as he silently screamed in pain.

-o0o-

Todhunter didn't know or even really care why Rimmer was holding his hand when he arrived, he'd have preferred not to have this duty, but it was better than letting the Second Technician wander the ship for a few weeks unsupervised until someone felt like getting around to dealing with him.

"Ah, Rimmer, glad to see you're out of stasis," and Todhunter was surprised his tongue didn't twist off with that lie, nobody was ever glad to see Rimmer, ever.

"Why was I in stasis?"

"You'll have to ask the Captain about that."

"Well, how long was I in stasis?"

"Eighteen months."

"Eighteen months!" Rimmer groaned, "That book on Patton I had out from the ship's library is going to be ridiculously overdue..."

"That book was returned to the ship's library when your possessions were placed in storage."

"Oh, good, wait, what? Placed in storage, what for?"

"Space Corps Regulations, Rimmer, any sentence to stasis of twelve months or more requires the person's possessions to be placed in storage so that their quarters can be used for other purposes, including but not limited to rooming any intelligent life-forms that want to come home with us," Todhunter explained, "It's regulations 312014-M and -N."

"Well, when can I get my room back?"

"Since we're back at Earth, you won't be needing it unless you're signing up for another tour."

"What are you talking about, Todhunter, you lug, of course I'm staying on the ship."

"Ah, well, Rimmer - since you're shipping out again," Todhunter looked at his ever-present clipboard, "There's been some changes on the roster; Z-shift's been inactivated and as a Technician, Second Class, that means that you're now junior on Y-shift under Engineering Officer, Third Class... Dave Lister."

Rimmer's face took on an expression as though he had begun to suck on a lemon drop only to be informed that it had been coated in cat urine, "Lister! An officer? You must be joking!"

"Not in the least," Todhunter informed him, "I understand that Space Corps intends to make the Lister Method standard for reparing faulty drive plates. Bang-up job, that, really. Completely unorthodox, but effectively better than the current regulation method. Good news for you, though - since Engineer Lister is now in Married Officer's Quarters, you can actually have your former shared quarters to yourself now."

"Married Officer's Quarters?" Rimmer snapped, "What three-bag hideous freak of nature would marry Lister?"

"Navigation Officer, First Class, Kristine Lister - the former Kristine Kochanski," Todhunter informed him, "Beautiful wedding. Everyone loved the curry-flavored cake. It seems Engineer Lister is also a quite capable chef as well."

"This can't be happening. This is... this is Hell, isn't it? That's it, I've died and gone to Hell," Rimmer concluded, "Yes, I must be dead and in Hell, because there's no smegging way any of this could be really happening."

"Oh, Rimmer," Todhunter tucked his clipboard under his arm and slapped Rimmer on the shoulder, "You're not that lucky, smeghead."

"I know," Rimmer came to a conclusion, "I'll transfer to another ship; a better, _saner_ ship."

Todhunter smirked, "I'm afraid you can't do that, Rimmer - you still have three more tours on your contract and transfers are at the captain's discretion."

"Then I'll see the captain," Rimmer announced.

Todhunter sighed, "You do that, Rimmer."

Rimmer stormed past Todhunter and after he got three steps beyond the ship's first officer, he turned back to add, "And you can expect to be reported for this farce, Todhunter. Lying to a junior officer, the Captain's going to hear about this, you know."

When Rimmer turned back to storming down the corridor, Todhunter just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Smeghead," Todhunter muttered under his breath.

-o0o-

* * *

As Rimmer stormed through the Drive Room to the Captain's Office, most of the officers and enlisted there just ignored him except for one who waited until he had gone by to whisper an order to a Scutter who quickly rolled out of the Drive Room on its mission. When Rimmer opened the door to the Captain's Office, one of the occupants hissed at him furiously. Blofield was one of Frankenstein's kittens, now over a year old, but his coloring of pure white must have came from his father, and until Rimmer had entered the room, he had been sitting on his human's lap enjoying being petted while the two-legs had done his paperwork.

With Blofield's hissing announcement of the Technician's entry, Captain Hollister looked up and glared at Rimmer, "Something I can help you with, Technician Rimmer?"

"Well, yes, actually, there is," Rimmer snapped off a single-flourish 'Rimmer' salute as he started, "I would like to know why I've just come out of stasis to find that not only does that reject from the primordial ooze pit Lister now out-rank me, but he's actually been made my superior officer... actually, for that matter, I'd like to know just why I was in stasis in the first place without my knowledge or consent, and if I don't find the answers satisfactory, Captain, I'm afraid I'll just have to go over your head to request a transfer to another ship."

Both cat and Captain looked at him for a moment in disbelief; the former not sure what this creature was that had invaded his domain and not liking its attitude in the least and the latter unable to believe that anyone could be so singularly foolish as to threaten a Space Corps Captain in his own office on his own ship without outranking them first. Finally, after a long moment, Hollister narrowed his eyes and spoke.

"I could do that, Second Technician..." Hollister conceded, then counter-argued, "Or, if you don't change your attitude, I could instead have you charged with conduct unbecoming a member of the Space Corps and failure to respect the chain of command and drummed out of the Space Corps in disgrace. Choose."

Somehow, the cat looked like it would prefer that Rimmer take the unspoken-of third option, becoming its personal scratching post.

"Um, yes, I was just... respectfully requesting, sir," Rimmer backpedaled, "I can understand if it would take up too much of your valuable time to explain all the little nuances of the matter. I'm sure that since I'm back on duty, you'll be reactivating Z-shift maintanence crew under me again shortly."

Hollister looked at him, "Rimmer, I _can _reactivate Z shift... but you wouldn't be in charge; you'd be on permanent external maintenance duty under one of the Scutters. It's either that or Y under Lister; choose."

"You can't put me under a Scutter!" Rimmer said defensively.

"Considering that they're ranked equivilent to First Technicians and you're only a Second Technician, I certainly can," Hollister reminded him, "Quite frankly, the only beings on board this ship that you outrank, Rimmer, are the mice in the ship's laboratory. Now if you really want to be in charge of something, I can certainly have you assigned to the lab as Senior Test Subject..."

"No, no, don't go through all that bother," Rimmer tried not to gulp at the thought of being assigned to the lab as a test subject, knowing that the scientists that were part of Red Dwarf's crew complement were astoundingly zealous and possibly mad, "I've put up with Lister so far, I'm sure I can keep it up."

"That's Engineering Officer Lister," Hollister corrected with a smirk, "He outranks you now, remember, Rimmer?"

Rimmer clenched his teeth and managed to force out, "Yes, sir, Captain ,sir."

"Good," Hollister nodded, "You're dismissed, Rimmer."

Turning, Rimmer started towards the door, only to stop when Hollister coughed.

"Oh, Rimmer?" Hollister started, causing the Second Technician to turn back around and see the Captain tap his brow with two fingers, "You forgot to salute."

Rimmer's face twisted as he brought his hand up in another single-flourish 'Rimmer' salute, "Yes, sir, Captain, sir."

Dropping the salute and spinning on his heel, Rimmer stomped out the door of the Captain's Office and reached the middle of the Drive Room before he looked up and froze. Lister was standing there in the doorway out of the Drive Room with a smirk on his unprepossessing face, then he spoke, "Shift started half an hour ago. You're late, Rimmer - you're going on report for that, Smeghead."

"What?" Rimmer screeched, "You can't do that!"

"And disrespecting an officer, too? Two times in as many minutes, Rimmer, I don't know," Lister smirked even worse as Rimmer had to bit his tongue to keep from saying something and risking those charges that Hollister had threatened him with, "Not so fun now, is it? Come on, time to go to work..."

Lister pulled an unlit cigarette out of his pocket and pointed at Rimmer with it, "And now _you _get to push the trolley."


End file.
